| Yosemite? More like... |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|09:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mad World - Gary Jules | ] |
I'd hate to stray from the awesomeness which is my normal format, but this post is already gonna be long enough.
First off, <3 Amy. And I get to see her and Daniel and Amanda this summer at Cali, which is gonna make my internship all the more awesome.
Now, for the ( camping... )
And of course, I couldn't leave this glorious picture out. Yes, that is actually me. (screw anyone who wants this resized or cut):
All in all, the trip was worth it. Shortly after getting back I got to talk to Amy, which made the campout that much better. I think all of us could take a lesson from Yosemite Park...
...if only I could remember what it was. |
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| California, Week 3 (or was it 4?) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|09:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Life is Beautiful - Sixx AM | ] |
Will you swear on your life,
You never really realize what it's like to be off on your own until you are actually there. I think I've talked to more people in the last three weeks than I usually do in a year, and I haven't even been out of my room half as much as I could be. It's different, can't say it's good or bad, but at least I'm seeing what I'll be doing in a few years. Looks like every physicist lives in a house without A/C, eats EZ Mac at least twice a day, and can't get anywhere without walking 2 miles or taking a bus. A liberal arts major is looking pretty good right now.
Actually, the internship isn't that bad. Somehow I keep lucking into jobs where I sit around in a computer lab and act like I'm doing work for forty hours a week. I programmed about 30 lines of code my first day here that record data every few minutes for the next couple weeks. If it wasn't for my awesome work ethic, I would probably skip the next 4 weeks and come back and still finish my project in time.
My job consists of looking at noise in the signal they use to run the particle acclerator here. If all else failed and I didn't leave my room for the next few weeks, I could probably walk in on my presentation day and tell them "CUT DOWN ON THE TALKING BIZNITCHES" and still get my paycheck.
Instead of sitting around at my dorm though, I decided to code a graphical user interface (gui) that handles data better than the one they have now. Oh, and I also decided to get some really weird looks from people as I carried around my laptop taking
( pictures. )
If I keep up with this picture taking, I'll just hand them a paper at the end with a link to livejournal.
Spending the next three days in California mountains. Unfortunately my laptop consumes 2 AA batteries every 5 minutes so there might be a lack of pictures. The lack of internet and busses will suck too. At least it won't be 90 degrees wherever I'm sleeping (I hope).
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer, hope to see some friendly faces up here soon (hell I might like it if you make an ugly face at me too).
That no one will cry at my funeral? |
|
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| Weeeee I'm at the Cafeteria |
[Aug. 30th, 2007|09:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bleed It Out - Linkin' Park | ] |
You always disappear...
I keep wanting to leave home, but then I don't.
I'm keeping up at school, I actually like where my life is at right now.
I love Amy, I like spending time with her when I can. I like school, I learn inside and outside of class. I like playing WoW, and when I play it in my offtime I'm still having fun.
I'm actually very content with how things are going, up until the time my parents call me on the phone mad that I'm not home yet, or until I go home and find out I have nothing to do and don't want to be there anyway.
I sorta don't know what to do right now without pissing off the people around me. I'm winging it and it's working a little.
This is sorta just an update just for the sake of an update. I almost walked to St. Mary's from my house last night and I was up until 3 A.M. having a discussion with my dad. God, I'm tired.
...even when you're here. |
|
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| Yay School |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|05:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stronger - Kanye West | ] |
In slow motion...
Course Status Course Sec Title Hrs Days Times Location Professor
LT EG2341 A Fundamentals of Logic Design 3.0 --T-R-- 8:20AM - 9:35AM MATH 208 Dr. Ibaroudene
LT EG2141W B Logic Design Laboratory 1.0 ----R-- 2:00PM - 6:00PM EGLB Dr. Luo,W
LT MT3311 A Differential Equations 3.0 -M-W-F- 10:20AM - 11:10AM MATH 111 Dr. Uhlig, P
LT EG2352 A Circuit Analysis I 3.0 --T-R-- 9:45AM - 11:00AM MATH 103 Dr. Emamian,V
LT PY3101L A Atomic Physics Lab 1.0 ------- 12:00AM - 12:00AM TBA Dr. Lobban,O
LT EG2307 A Engineering Mechanics 3.0 --T-R-- 11:10AM - 12:25PM MATH 213 Dr. Goldberg,I
LT PY3301 A Atomic Physics 3.0 -M-W--- 1:35PM - 2:50PM GARN 109 Dr. Lobban,O
So yea, that would be my schedule this semester. Sounds like fun.
Amy and I are together for all you n00bs that didn't know, then again I really don't update often enough that people would know anyway, heh. She's amazing, and the last month of my life has been enjoyable. Can't wait to see how school treats the both of us.
I suppose my summer has been pretty good, I went on like 5 trips in the state and I don't think any of them went that badly. So far I think I've went to Port Aransas, Houston, Denton, and Dallas. Next summer Amy and I are roadtripping for sure, so I'll bet we visit a ton more places.
Hope everything is going well for everybody else, call me sometime and maybe I can make some of your social situations more awkward. Yup, sounds like fun.
...the blast is beautiful (and so is Amy). |
|
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| Update'd again! |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|02:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hypnotize - System of a Down | ] |
Dreams are made winding...
Apparently I'm so good at wrecking cars that I wrecked my dad's truck yesterday without being in it. My sister had her graduation party (which I skipped, thankfully), but my parents decided that I should do a whole bunch of chores before the party. One of the last chores I had was to park my dad's truck down the road away from the house. I drove it down a bit, jumped in my own car, and left.
I headed to Fiesta Texas with Lauren so I could get out of the rest of the crap I would have to go through at the party. It was actually pretty fun considering the fact that I haven't been on the rides in over a year and there were pretty long lines. While waiting in line for the Power Surge I got a call from my mom that went something like this:
"Guy, you have really bad luck with cars or something..."
"Why, did something happen to the jeep?"
"No, you crashed dad's truck."
"What? No I didn't, I parked it down the road."
"You parked it in front of the neighbor's driveway and she backed out right into it."
"LOL!"
Okay, it was like that minus the LOL! part. So the teenager in the house down the street from us never looks behind her when backing out since no one lives across the road from her. She backed out and completely pwned her own car, my dad's truck only got a dent in the back. They had to call the police and everything to tow her and stuff. I feel sorta sorry for her, actually.
Aside from my trek to Fiesta Texas, life has been pretty mellow. I am starting to feel better I think, but I have periods where I am completely pissed at what happened (even though I know I shouldn't be mad at her). I can't figure it out, because I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I don't cope with it very well either. I usually picture all of the anger I feel in my mind, and I just let it disappear. It makes me feel better instantly. With this, though, I'm so unfocused I can't think of anything but being mad.
Lauren argues that I should feel this way, that it's normal... but I argue that there is no logic to the feelings at all so I shouldn't be having them. I'm beginning to think that humans are innately illogical, and basing our way of thinking on logic in any way is completely illogical since we are illogical to begin with. Which then leads me to think that trying to picture this logically is illogical and the whole reasoning for the argument becomes invalid. I guess that's why giving a computer a personality hasn't worked yet. It's based on logical combinations of electrical signals so it doesn't even have a chance.
...through my head. |
|
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| Update'd |
[May. 31st, 2007|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Smashing Pumpkin - 1979 | ] |
You're no good for me...
These last 2 months have been arguably the worst of my life. Everything has just tended to get worse and worse as time progresses. Blah blah blah, I know most of you don't believe me when I've said I'm depressed or I've been thinking of hurting myself. There's a lot of times where there's a bottle of sleeping pills lying right next to my bed... and I've been laying awake all night... and it just gets so tempting.
I see these situations everyday, such a small decision that will impact so much... solve every problem I have. But I know the problems it will cause for others as well. That is the reason I haven't done anything to myself, I might have thought about it pretty often but I always feared doing it because of what would happen to the people around me.
Recently, I went to a therapist who diagnosed me depression. It turns out I've been depressed for quite awhile and I didn't know it. An imbalance of serotonin in my brain was taking the fun out of almost everything I did, and being the logical person I am it led me to a conclusion. If I'm so well off during what is supposed to be the best part of my life and I'm not enjoying it, then there's not much to look forward to. Why even bother trying?
It turns out that my problem is easily dealt with though. I'm on some pills for awhile until the serotonin levels in my brain return to normal, and apparently I should find life more enjoyable once this occurs.
I also ran into a fire hydrant today (I wasn't being suicidal), I think I strained my back. Life seems to have a habit of hitting me in the face when I feel down. No problem, though, I think I'm about to be ready to face whatever comes my way.
Thank God it's over... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2007|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mouth - Bush | ] |
Yup, I suck. But at least I may POSSIBLY be working at Southwest Research this summer (I'm under management review for 5 different positions). Until then, I think I'll attempt to enjoy myself. |
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| Oops |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
I'm tired of feeling this way.
I log onto myspace/livejournal/aim all the time just to feel disappointed.
I didn't mean to go through a break-up again, but yea, it happened. For those of you who didn't know, Amy and I dated for the last week and it started to seem good but it wasn't.
So, once again, I feel like shit. And I'm tired of it.
I don't even know why any of this happens, I try to question my emotions and I can't find an answer.
Why even bother looking for someone else anymore? I can expect every relationship I ever have to end badly for one of the pair. I could just hope I get lucky and die before they do or before they stop feeling the same way about me. Seems completely selfish as well, maybe everyone is better off if I just leave them be and don't do shit to them.
I'm not going to try anymore. I'll keep in school, sure, and even possibly become the most knowledgeable person in the field. But I no longer feel like trying to gain the acceptance of others, and I don't feel like seeking a new companion.
I can still hang out, but I don't have myspace/aim anymore, and I'm only keeping this account because I will probably come back to it in the future. It's not like I needed these programs anyway, I have something called a "cell phone" which you can "call" if you ever wanna hang out.
I'm not gonna come online anymore to check messages. It's a huge waste of time. I probably won't even read any of the crappy "your an emo fag" replies to this until summer.
I'm not being emo, and I'm not getting rid of all the friends I have. I'm getting rid of all the shit that I usually waste time doing instead of something constructive. So if you ever feel like "hmm, maybe Guy could liven things up here" just call. 287-6382 for those of you who I only talk to on aim.
Hopefully hear from you in the future, I have a funeral and wake to go to. Laterz. Sorry for the lack of coherency in w/e I just typed. |
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| I think... |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|12:48 am] |
I think God must be gay.
He's been anally raping me a lot lately. |
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| Hmm |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|11:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Benjamin - Breathe | ] |
Things may be starting to go my way.
Or maybe they never went badly?
Who knows, at least I'm feeling better about it.
I got a $1,000 scholarship from some random application I sent in (didn't even think it went through), I'm majoring in physics and electrical engineering now (double majoring and 5 years ride, yay), I'm in an open relationship with someone I like being with (thanks for the term, Danal), and I've caught up with pretty much all my homework.
Finals are coming up soon, though. I've never really studied for them and I'm not sure I'm going to start now. I seem to have a knack for passing these things simply because they are usually cumulative.
I think I'm gonna get into bowling and DDR more, maybe WoW if I can ever find a way to make it stop being boring. I need something to do over the summer. Hell, I can always take up reading again and study some more physics.
Lots of pieces are falling my way right now, but I can't help but think something is out of place. That really sucks, these feelings are almost never wrong.
Maybe this would be a good time for the feeling to be wrong. |
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| RIP Grandpa |
[Apr. 13th, 2007|07:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alone I Break - Korn | ] |
Farewell Ronnie Grubbs...
I love you, and I always will.
You will be missed severely.
But don't worry, I will acquire control over my knowledge, and my power will manifest soon.
Everything is within my capacity, I just need time.
And when I figure everything out, not even the grave will be able to bar my call. |
|
|
| Haha |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Forever - Papa Roach (still =P) | ] |
Wow, I might start doing this a lot. Anyway, I had another idea.
I think it would be awesome to make a CD, like write out and record 15 songs or so. I would start it with classical and then move through different popular types of music that have been around (except country, which I would make a track to make fun of). It could have rock, classic rock, techno, emo, good rap, and some other types. And I would have each song link to the next song, it would one non-stop CD of music, like The Wall.
Just seems pretty cool and challenging, who knows if I'll ever have the time/knowledge to write out that many songs, much less record them. It could happen... |
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|
| Thinking |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Forever - Papa Roach (why'd you turn emo? /cry) | ] |
I've had a lot of time to think lately. Actually, who am I kidding, I've always had a lot of time to think. But lately, I've started to think more and more about the decisions I make while I am thinking.
If no thinking is involved in whatever I'm doing during the day, I tend to think about any subject that pops in my head. These range from philosophy and science to the future and school. I tend to alternate between subjects rapidly, too.
I think about new concepts, reasons, whatever it is that comes to me. I don't usually think about a subject I've already spent time on either (unless that subject is just way too good to fit into one thought period). I usually think it out to the end and make a decision based on the conclusion I come to at the end.
One of these ideas was exactly this, a post of thoughts that randomly pop into my head. I need a way to keep track of everything I think of without sitting down in a room and writing all the time. Almost all of these thoughts occur during a time when my hands are full anyway. But how could i possibly capture this information and be able to recall it at a later time?
An attempt has to be made, at least. Who knows, I might just write this out and forget what I've said and stop tracking my ideas, I do tend to do that. But maybe, this might just help. So here goes my first post of an idea I had during the day that I can actually remember.
Does anyone else have this problem? I have no idea how I would occupy my time without thinking, but I don't know how you guys operate inside your mind either.
Here's another thought: While pedaling down the road (I recently took up bike riding), I saw that I enjoyed when I was able to coast, but I would have some work ahead of me because whenever I coasted I would need to go back up a hill to get back home. I could remain me (the person at home) by doing the work for each coast I went through, or I could keep coasting, on forever. I wouldn't go home, but instead I would go wherever the coasting takes me and adapt to it. I could keep going on about all the stuff this made me think of, but I know you guys don't like long paragraphs.
Well, I'm out, sister needs a ride. Someone needs to go to the tanning salon and someone else needs to eat, hope you can distinguish between them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|08:28 am] |
why should something so stupid be so hard?
i wake every morning and i instantly hear a a voice in the back of my head tell me today's gonna suck
the only reason i even get out of bed is people keep yelling at me and won't stfu |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|05:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | System of a Down - Spiders (in my head) | ] |
Everyone I know seems to have good advice when I feel down. I realize that I may feel like this for awhile but there's no reason everyone else around me should feel the same.
Instead, I want others to feel good. If you need advice or help with something, just know that I am here. Utilize me, it makes me feel like I'm doing something constructive for people as a whole.
We tend to be so competitive with each other. Every time I hear someone talk to someone else (specifically on the internet), it always seems like they are competing with each other on whatever the topic is. I want to stray from this and no longer will I try to argue against you or anyone else.
You have your beliefs about life and the events that go on in it, and I have my own. Instead of us fighting over beliefs, we can just share them in hopes that the other might gain from the conversation.
I believe that everything will work out in the end. It could be for good or for worse, but that's entirely dependent on your point of view. Just know that whatever happens, it will work itself out and try to get the most of the situation while you can. I hope maybe you can read this and feel better about something, as I have read so much from others the last few days that has helped me.
I hope you can come to me soon, whoever you are, and we can share whatever it is that you feel like. Together, we can accomplish so much more than if we sit here and compete against each other.
Have a good day, live life to it's fullest every chance you get. Hell, invite me along if you want to share the experience with someone. I'll be there every chance I get, and I'll try to get the most I can get out of every experience as well. |
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| For those of you who don't know... |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|11:44 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Benjamin - Breathe | ] |
April fools.
The only ones who actually cared about what I posted were the ones that called.
And yes, I've really been depressed. The only thing that made me happy today was a joke that was pretty cruel, sorry. Other than that, today I spent most of my time sitting in my parents room next to the window just staring at crap and wondering what the hell the reason is behind it all. In the end, I couldn't answer the question anyway.
I guess I'll go on being depressed, stop posting on lj, and live life as an empty shell. It makes about as much sense as anything else right now. To quote myself from my earlier post, "I'm sorry to all of those [that I] inconvenience[d]". The whole post was misleading but not once did I actually mention committing suicide, just thought I would point that out. |
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| I'm sorry... |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|03:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  goodbye | ] |
I thought maybe giving it some time would make me feel better. But each day that goes by I feel so much worse. I can't see how things could possibly get better, there's no way for me to enjoy life anymore.
I'm sorry to all of those I'm about to inconvenience, don't worry about me anymore. I don't want everyone to feel depressed just because I do. It won't go away, not for a very long time. And I don't want to try anymore, because I can't see how it could possibly be worth it.
Thanks for all the fun times we've had, everyone. You were able to keep me alive these 19 years that I've spent depressed. I hope you are able to find the happiness that I know I will never have.
I know someone can possibly survive a crash at 70 mph, but there's no chance I can survive two. Don't worry, I won't hurt anyone else in the process if all goes well. |
|
|
| Why do I try? |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|11:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | make something up | ] |
Everything feels so pointless.
People keep telling me i should move on, try out new things, find a replacement...
I can't replace her, she is unique, I will never again find a person who is anything like her, and thinking about this makes me feel worse.
I don't even feel like trying anymore, it feels like everything I do will just be to replace the hole I feel in my heart, one that I already know can never be filled.
It sounds so stupid to some people, I'm sure, but have you ever loved someone so much that thinking of a future without them just plain sucked? I spent 2 years with her and was ready for so many more, but now it's gone.
Before her, my grades were continually falling, I almost died in a car wreck and didn't even care because I felt like everything was so stupid. I was depressed for a long time, none of my friends could tell, but I wanted so much for my life to just end and for all my problems (and the ones I caused others) to disappear.
With her, I felt like I had a reason for living. My grades in college were (most likely won't be now) good, I wanted to succeed because I had someone there to accomplish things with. I had someone to spend every day and night with, and I didn't feel like I had to care about anyone else because she was all I would need. Maybe I was naive to think that way, but if I shouldn't have felt that way about her, how can I bring myself to ever feel the same way about someone else?
It's over now, and I feel like I'm going back to how I was before. I don't want to try to accomplish anything, what's the point? Nothing ever made me feel good except when I could enjoy it with her. I could be top ranked in my class, but will that make me feel any better about myself? I've only wanted one thing for the past 2 years, and now it's gone.
I feel like this is all I can ever expect in life, I'll find something that means so much to me, but it will be taken from me. People tell me there are other things to look forward to, but I don't stop there. I keep looking forward farther than that, to when I'll lose whatever it is and feel empty again. a never ending cycle of gain and loss, and in the end I come out with nothing.
I feel like if it were to just end now, it would be so much easier for everyone. I know I'm a burden to most people, who the hell wants to sit there and try to cheer someone up for months on end? I drain the money of my family, I don't even know what I want to do or if I will ever be able to pay it back.
If I were gone, some people might feel sad at first, but they would adapt to the fact soon after. Man aren't even close enough that they would be able to see a difference in their lives. In the end, I would have caused them a little pain so that they wouldn't have to go through so much trouble for a couple years and come out with nothing anyway. |
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|
| yes, i am emo, stfu |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb | ] |
well, for those who don't know, amy and i are no longer together
this left me some free time, i was able to pick up someone walking down the street yesterday and give him a ride a couple of miles
his name was eric, turns out he's an electrician and his car broke down at a house pretty far down bandera
i thought maybe he would kill me, but no luck, we just talked a few minutes while i drove and then i dropped him off and drove some more
i think i might spend a lot of money on gas soon, but it could be fun
also, i wasn't sober last night (oops) but for the first time in forever i dreamed and can remember exactly what happened as if i were awake. unfortunately, these dreams aren't suitable for lj
oh, and yay daniel is 21, though this fact and the fact that i wasn't sober are completely unrelated (well, they are if anyone actually reads this)
gonna go back to w/e i was doing, yay |
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